Congressman Kimble's Speech at Saint Nicholas Owen College

Thanks for inviting me to speak to your organization. I wish we had had a abstinence club at Notre Dame back when I was in college, but I guess we never really needed it. I graduated in 1985 and in the 1980s, nobody in college was having sex. A lot of people would tell stories, but I knew they were making it up. I'm hear to talk about birth control, which is something I've unfortunately learned a lot about even though my wife is barren due to an unfortunate childhood accident with a combine. I still love her very much and we adopted a beautiful girl this year, which is almost as good as having a child of your own.

We face a crisis in this country. Every year thousands of children are born before they are even conceived because of birth control or as the scientists call it contraception. Hitler killed six million people. By my math, it doesn't take long for an irresponsible guy with a pack of condoms to literally be worse than Hitler. As a civilized country, we simply cannot allow this to continue.

We Catholics aren't particularly into sex. For one thing, we're not very good at it. For another, many Catholics practice the only form of 100% effective and moral birth control - abstinence birth control. I believe that all employers should provide the pamphlet on abstinence only birth control that Jack Chick created.

Abstinence Only is the answer for all Americans. It is 100% safe from both disease and pregnancy. It's technique is really simple, think unsexy thoughts and say no. In college I carried a picture of Ayn Rand that I could look at whenever I was feeling lustful. It always did the trick. The latest scientific research shows that birth begins at ejaculation, sometimes called the breath of life. While there's no evidence of a single sperm surviving on it's own for long, we can't discount future scientific advances.

I thank those of you here for taking the pledge and I hope others will join you. Sex will be there for you when your older and frankly it'll mostly be a giant colossal disappointment. Contraception only makes it less satisfying. Even if you wear ribbed condoms inside out for your own pleasure, it's still kind of meh. Thank you and Stay Free Saint Nicholas Owen College!

Jack Kimble Anounces Presidential Endorsement

This has been a hard fought GOP Presidential Primary Race and more than anything I wanted to emerge as the Republican nominee. Unfortunately, it was not to be. However, I would be foolish not to admit at this time that the remaining field is an embarrassment of riches. We would be lucky to have any of them as our nominee to take on President Obama.

As I thought further, I realized what I was looking for was a candidate who can speak with authority on family values like Newt Gingrich, yet also speak with the authority on the economy that Mit Romney has with everyday working stiffs. If he had the same ability to ride with the back and forth and come from behind the way Rick Santorum does we'd have a winner. Throw in expressive eyebrows like Ron Paul and we've got another Reagan.

Unfortunately, reviewing the candidate, I found that the only candidate who really had all these qualities was myself. I have dropped out of the race, but there is still no reason why people cannot continue to write me in. For that reason, I am endorsing Jack Kimble for President of the United States.

Soon after writing this, I realized that endorsing myself wasn't really the wisest course of action. In Iowa, God had endorsed me and I do believe that through God all things are possible. That's why I'm also endorsing God.

Finally, I needed a candidate with a chance to win. While God should have everybody's support and while I am clearly the most qualified candidate, I wanted to endorse somebody who was still in the race. The answer was clear---former Louisiana Governor Buddy Roemer has had the same trouble having his message heard as I have. The establishment is clearly as afraid of him as they are of me and while I have not been able to get him to endorse my stands on child labor or encasing the United States in a 15 foot wall paid for by advertising, Roemer is clearly a candidate of solid principles.

So, in order, I am endorsing the following candidates:

1. Myself (write me in)
2. Jesus (would have been my first choice for running mate)
3. Buddy Roemer (still fighting the good fight)

Jack Kimble Suspends Presidential Campaign

I just got off the phone with my Mitt Romney. Once again, he attempted to fire me and had to be assured that I wasn't on his payroll by several of his people. I congratulated Mitt and informed him, that we still had a long way to go. Unfortunately, I also got off the phone with my father who informed me that when a candidate's blood alcohol content is higher than his share of the vote, it's time to pull the plug.

I am disappointed to say the least--not so much with my dad as with the American people. You had a chance and you blew it. I represented a bold new future and you ignored me to support a candidate that makes John Kerry seem like a wild man. To the people of Florida, I say there's a reason people call you America's penis.

This week, I will do a little bit of soul searching and then I will announce my endorsement for President of these United States. I hope that this endorsement will lead to a cushy ambassadorship or maybe a cabinet spot. I think I would be an amazingly good Secretary of the Navy.

America, it has been a real honor to get to know you. Unfortunately, you won't have Jack Kimble to kick around anymore.

Congressman Kimble Investigates Islamic Caliphate in South Carolina

I've been campaigning hard in South Carolina and I have definitely enjoyed the challenge of campaigning to African-Americans for the first time in my career. The number of black Republicans is small, but substantial and I've relied on everything that I learned from Michael Steele to reach out to them with an urban suburban vibe and good conservative values yo digity.

I had gotten some flack in New Hampshire, when a microphone I thought was off recorded me saying I would have no black people in my administration. Unfortunately, some of my opponents tried to use my statement out of context. I believe everybody who knew me understood that I meant people with black souls and what I said meant nothing about skin color.

On my first night campaigning, I became aware of what I believe is the first signs of a possibly sinister Muslim caliphate in South Carolina. I saw suspicious people putting these blue flags with a crescent moon and palm tree by the microphone I would be using to address a crowd in Myrtle Beach. I had my security chase them off and called in a bomb sweep that turned in nothing. Later, I cornered one of the people I saw with the flags and he tried to tell me they were state flags, but I know the South Carolina state flag and I'm pretty sure it is a variation on the old confederate stars and bars. I have since seen these blue crescent flags all around the state and they are extremely unsettling as are the reactions of the people here who walk past the flags as if nothing is out of order. If the Caliphate has infiltrated a conservative NASCAR loving state like South Carolina, we are in more trouble than I ever thought.

Evidence of Liberal Media Blackout of Jack Kimble

Throughout his campaign, Jack Kimble has faced an uphill battle just getting his message out. In Iowa, they miscounted his votes, some media outlets have refused to count him as a major presidential candidate, and he was only invited to 4 of the many primary debates this year. Many of his supporters had begun to openly question whether there was some kind of conspiracy to quiet Jack Kimble's voice. The answer has now become clear thanks to a Twitter post from Huffington Post's Sam Stein (If that is his real name) to ABC's Jake Tapper.

Luckily for the American people, Mr. Stein forgot the cardinal rule of the internet and the smoking gun remains on Twitter. It was actually Jack Kimble himself who found the hurtful tweet while participating via Twitter in last night's New Hampshire debate. At one point Jake Tapper retweeted a comment that the Congressman made about the absurdly high tax rate that American businesses are paying. In the picture to the left, you can see Mr. Stein's tweet. I have taken the liberty of blacking out the link he made to a hateful Washington Post piece on Congressman Kimble.

Evidence of a corporate media blackout on Kimble, gives pause to any American who is thinking of voting for another candidate. If the lamestream media is actively pushing Mitt Romney and other candidates, why are they so supportive of Congressman Kimble? Is is because he is the only Republican candidate with a legitimate shot to defeat Barrack Obama in November?

Iowa, It's Up to You Now

Iowa, it's up to you now. I've done my best job of crisscrossing your state and letting you know about why I'm the right choice for the job of President. Now, it's up to you not to blow it. Iowa's caucuses strike me as uniquely Iowan - the idea that you can spend several hours advocating for a candidate only to switch to a second choice to shut up the 4 people who keep talking about spy satellites and the fluoride in the drinking water.

I want every Iowan to have the opportunity to take this opportunity to decide for themselves who they want to run the country for the next four years, but I also encourage everybody in this great state to reflect on my recent endorsement by God himself in this race. It certainly puts your mind at ease when you know you are on a mission from God.

Our campaign headquarters is at the historic Hotel Fort Des Moines where win or lose, we will be having a big party tomorrow night. It is truly amazing to feel all the history in the air at this hotel. Walter Mondale kicked off his 1980 campaign here and George HW Bush stayed here during his 88 run. The hotel hosted important speeches by Nikita Kruschev shortly before he was deposed as well as American Vice-President Spiro Agnew. In fact, Woodrow Wilson gave his big speech on the 14 points here. Even Charles Lindbergh stayed here shortly after the birth of his baby boy. I hope that my campaign will add to this hotel's wonderful history.

This is crunch time. Please urge your friends to get out to the polls and campaign hard for us. Make sure everybody is aware of just what a great deal my 8-8-8 plan is. I expect tonight to be a real celebration for me. Frankly, I deserve it.

Jack Kimble Lands Game Changing Endorsement in Iowa

In this day and age, it's hard to call any endorsement a game changer, but the Kimble Campaign picked up about the biggest possible endorsement this week in Iowa when God the Almighty appeared to Jack Kimble and threw his support behind him in the Iowa Caucuses. God explained his support for Jack as being based on good old fashioned conservative family values and the 8-8-8 tax plan that Kimble has been championing. The Almighty told Congressman Kimble that he would have taken a hand in the campaign earlier, but had been busy establishing Tim Tebow as an NFL starting quarterback.

"Of course we look at this as a game changer," said Kimble, "God's endorsement is one that all of us have been hoping for. I know both Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann have been courting his support heavily and the fact he went with me says something about my plan to cut taxes and get the job creators going again as well as my call for old fashioned Christian values."