My Contract On America

Today at the Heritage Valley Tea Party I was lucky enough to be one of the speakers. I was very well-received by a terrific audience when I revealed my Contract On America. If I am reelected to Congress in November, I will make the following promises:

(1) Protest the Constitution: At any point, where I am called out on my opposition to the Obama agenda, I will protest that it is unconstitutional.

(2) Reject Cap & Trade: Despite praising this idea when John McCain was pushing it, I will vote against that and instead refer to our atmosphere as "crunchy"

(3) Demand a Balanced Budget: We should have no problem supporting a balanced budget while fighting two wars and still keep social security and medicare strong if we just eliminate all other federal funding.

(4) Enact Fundamental Tax Reform: Adopt a simple and fair single-rate tax system by scrapping the internal revenue code and replacing it with one that has no words longer than 2 syllables and avoids all those foreign words. The tax forms should also have pictures for when we don't feel like reading.

(5) Restore Fiscal Responsibility & Constitutionally Limited Government in Washington: Create a Blue Ribbon taskforce because there is no better way to limit government than by creating a new committee. We will then follow the Constitution's original meaning and return all land acquired after 1803 to the proper countries. We will demand that France return to us the $15,000,000 dollar purchase price for Louisiana territory plus interest minus a reasonable and appropriate retroactive security deposit for New Orleans.

(6) End Runaway Government Spending: Impose a statutory cap limiting the annual growth in total federal spending to a sum not exceeding the total prize winnings of the preceding year's NASCAR top finisher times 1,0000.

(7) Defund, Repeal & Replace Government-run Broadcasting: I will move to arrange for Ruper Murdoch to take control of NPR and require PBS to broadcast at least 2 hours of programming per night showing older Americans acting cool and solving crimes.

(8) Pass an 'All-of-the-Above' Spelling Policy: We will stop the totalitarian rule of one size fits all spelling in our school system by demanding that teachers accept all variations on a word as long as it sounds kind of right.

(9) Modify Black History Month: Change the focus from black people through history who have overcome great odds to black people through history who didn't have it too bad like Amos McGee who in 1932 bought his own car and became and instant hit with his neighbors in Forest Park, New York.

(10) Stop the Tax Hikes: Permanently repeal all tax hikes that would force corporations to pay federal income taxes. Nearly 1/3 of America's corporations were forced to take on the unfair burden of paying taxes at a time when many unemployed and working poor Americans are ducking their tax liability by not making much money.