Jack Kimble Suspends Presidential Campaign

I just got off the phone with my Mitt Romney. Once again, he attempted to fire me and had to be assured that I wasn't on his payroll by several of his people. I congratulated Mitt and informed him, that we still had a long way to go. Unfortunately, I also got off the phone with my father who informed me that when a candidate's blood alcohol content is higher than his share of the vote, it's time to pull the plug.

I am disappointed to say the least--not so much with my dad as with the American people. You had a chance and you blew it. I represented a bold new future and you ignored me to support a candidate that makes John Kerry seem like a wild man. To the people of Florida, I say there's a reason people call you America's penis.

This week, I will do a little bit of soul searching and then I will announce my endorsement for President of these United States. I hope that this endorsement will lead to a cushy ambassadorship or maybe a cabinet spot. I think I would be an amazingly good Secretary of the Navy.

America, it has been a real honor to get to know you. Unfortunately, you won't have Jack Kimble to kick around anymore.