Thursday, July 24, 2014

On the Border with Rick and Louie

When something important like the border crisis comes along, I don't believe in patience.  I certainly didn't believe in waiting until Congress has the month of August off to do something about the problem.   Yesterday, I joined fellow Congressman Louie Gohmert and Texas Governor Rick Perry for a morning patrol of the border region.

I find myself outraged when I see immigrants from Central American countries like Guatemala, Honduras, or El Salvador when the United States has spent so many years looking out for the welfare of their people.  When a government that was too socialist or wanted some crazy scheme to take unfarmed land and give it to poor people, we have always been willing to intervene.  When the people of those countries rose up against socialist governments, we have always been willing to support democracy by training rebels at the CIA and supporting militaries when the will of the people was for a coup.  After we gave their countries the American dream, it seems like such ingrattitude that they reject it to come here to the land we stole from Mexico fair and square 160 years ago regardless of what Abraham Lincoln said.

Don't let malnutrition fool you.  These illegals are wiry and they are a crafty opponent.  Once we let them into the country, who knows what sort of evil they will do.    That's why it's important that we meet them head on with force, even if it means inadvertently blowing up a church or camp bus or two.

We made quite an impression when we met agents along the border.  They even started calling us, The Electables.    Sadly, we didn't get to shoot any illegals, though we did wing a very tan Italian-American who happened to live near the border.    With Rick and Louie manning the guns, I flew an attack helicopter deep over the border, but the children at the age are just so small, they're much harder to spot than I had hoped.  Still, it felt good to know that we had done our part for the good old USA.  It's our border, we all must protect it.

Louie and I promised Rick that we'd come back in August.  I know Texas, isn't part of my district, but as a Congressman you go where the trouble is.  It's just what we do.

Monday, May 26, 2014

University of Western Topeka Spring 2014 Commencement

On Saturday, I was lucky enough to be invited to speak at the University of Western Topeka's 2014 graduation. This is a great school and there's a reason that it's known as the University of Michigan of Kansas. You can visit the UWT web page at

Friday, February 14, 2014

Finding Love with A Conservative Man

Well, tonight I was going to write an article about how to find love with a conservative woman.   However, after sitting through an insufferable dinner at Applebees where I listened to my date discuss her views on global warming and I realized I really don’t have a clue how to find love with a conservative woman.  What I do know is what I like, so I thought perhaps an article aimed at conservative women on how to date conservative men would be more useful to my readers.

Meeting a Conservative Guy
  • Tea Parties are what fondue was in the 1970s.   A lot of guys aren’t that good at spelling and a misspelled sign gives you a great opening to approach a guy.  The numbers favor the men and they’re all conservative so make this your first stop.
  • Gun shows are a sure shot.   Guys love guns and if you act knowledgeable, guys will quickly take notice.
  • NASCAR is a winner.   The numbers are very male dominated and this sport is very easy to understand.  The cars just keep going around in a circle over and over.
What Not to Do
  • Don’t talk about past boyfriends.  It makes us feel insecure.
  • Don’t share your views.   We really don’t care.   Sure, we’ll nod and act like we’re interested, but we’ll probably be looking over your shoulder at the television set.
  • Avoid talking long term. If the Bush administration taught you anything, it should be that we’re terrible at long term planning.
What to Do
  • Offer to pay for our meal too.   Let’s face it, traditional family values may say the guy should pay, but our economic conservative hearts will be glad to save the cost of the meal.
  • Make friends with his father.  If things don’t work out, he will probably be the one paying you off to keep quiet.
  • Spice up pillow talk with conservative nicknames like The Gipper or Dutch.   In general if you can make Reagan references, it’s a good idea.
Don’t be alarmed if he cries before, during, or after sex.   This is something all conservatives do.  If you follow these simple rules and show him the love and affection he needs, your conservative relationship can last you long after the sex stops being enjoyable and you still feel any affection for each other.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Pick Up Your Paint Brush and Honor Reverend King

The liberal media, for obvious reasons, likes to portray Reverend Martin Luther King as a social reformer who fought for the rights of African-Americans in the South and then in the last 3 years of his life, took his campaign national and fought for workers' rights, and end to poverty, and an end to the War on Vietnam.  Of course, this is all a falsehood.  

Sure, Martin Luther King did all these things, but that represented only a small portion of his life.   Like any black man in the South during the 1950s and 1960s, he got swept up in the civil rights movement.  Because people knew that he could motivate people.  Where did his experience as a leader come from?  Mostly, it came from his campaign to beautify the South.

Martin Luther King first came to prominence in 1955 when he led the Montgomery Bus Boycott.  In those days, the buses were not air conditioned and a lot of sweaty commuters in close quarters would cause quite a funk to develop on the buses.  The buses were also not regularly cleaned so papers, soda cans, and old newspapers cluttered the eyes.   Martin Luther King led a very successful boycott made famous when a woman named Rosa Parks refused to walk through refuse to the back of a filthy bus.

In the March from Selma to Montgomery, King joined a large contingent led by the SNCC in an effort to beautify a road that the state of Alabama was not taking care of weeds.  Even the Edmund Pettus Bridge had become overgrown with weeds.  Problems erupted when a white sheriff named Bull Conner who was embarrassed that black people were outcleaning the whites turned on fire hoses to quickly clean the bridge and in the process got many of the African-Americans hurt.

We recognize Martin Luther King for his dreams of painted schools and cleaned up parks.  To many people try to make King out to be some kind of social reformer, but I think if he was alive today, he'd be the first one to put down the picket sign and pick up a paint brush.  Would King care about voter suppression, a living wage, continued racism, or the war in Afghanistan---I doubt it.  King's main focus would probably be painting.   Sadly, Reverend King was shot and killed while trying to settle a garbage strike in Memphis, but he backed cleanliness to the end.   Regardless of your political views, this is an Martin Luther King that we can all get behind.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Chistmas Wishes from Congressman Kimble

This Christmas season, I send you and your family my warmest wishes. 
At Christmas we  celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We rejoice in his birth and his mission to save us from sin. We remember him as the white baby he was and we remind others of things that he said that we agree with.  During this season of hope and joy, we thank God for the blessings he has bestowed upon our nation.  Even in times of difficulty, we are thankful for the freedom and liberty we enjoy, no thanks to President Obama
We  recognize the devastating impact of these tough times – many families are losing their savings, their jobs and their homes.  You are in our prayers. However, some of life’s greatest lessons are learned in adversity.   There is no greater cure for the over commercialism of Christmas than the inability to buy anything.  You will find that poverty can be great fun if you have the right mindset.     
Among the many families that call the Fifty-Fourth Congressional District home, we admire the military families who serve our nation and community. We offer them our deep gratitude, especially those families who are separated.  We look on your service with pride as you keep our nation safe from harm and as you launch invasions of Syria, North Korea, and Iran in the year ahead. 
As we not only celebrate Christmas, but look forward to a new year, I am hopeful that we can change the direction of our country or at least bring our government to a screeching halt.  We have many challenges, but, together, we can come together and go into 2014 with the remembrance of our many blessings. 
I wish you all a very merry Christmas and God bless.
Jack Kimble

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

An Open Letter to the Liberal Media

Dear Liberal Media,

Today, I turned on the Twitter to discover that yet another liberal media type had fallen for a parody account.   The reporter in question was named Toure (He has an accent over the e, but my keyboard only types American) and he works at CNN.   You can see why I get my news from FOX and Jay Leno monologues.

Anyway, what really got me mad was that this twitter account pretended to be a Congressman.  Excuse me, but how hard is it to keep us all straight?  There's only like 380 or so Congressmen, maybe 450 at most.   Gym teachers have to keep track of that many names, surely reporters can be expected to do the same? 

Being a Congressman is a special privilege.  It means you're walking down the hallowed halls that Joe Schwarz and Bill Sali once called home.   Sure, we haven't done a lot lately, but there was a time when Congress passed laws and helped to run this government.

The least the media can do is keep us straight.  There is nothing more insulting to somebody like myself than when the clueless lamestream media calls somebody a Congressman who wasn't even elected.   It's time to do better media or America might just vote with their remote controls.

Jack Kimble

Friday, October 25, 2013

Saving Halloween from the Atheists and Pagans

          The forces of radical atheism are at war with more than Christmas.   Even Halloween is frequently under attack by those who would tell you that it's a Pagan holiday.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  One need look no further than Mexico to see that their Halloween traditions are tightly tied to religion.  Of course this is because Halloween is a Christian holiday.   The name Halloween comes from the word hallowed, which means "holy" and the word ween which is an old English word meaning "to think".  In other words, Halloween is a day for thinking holy thoughts.
            Unfortunately, the forces of radical atheism threaten to rob this great day of the symbols of its proud Christian heritage.   If these people have their way all traces of Halloween's Christian roots would be erased and all references to Jesus would be stricken from Halloween parades, store displays, and the hopeful mouths of trick or treating Christian children.    We must all stand together against this atheistic tyranny.
            One of the stories, atheists don't want you to know is the story of the Jack O'Lantern.   In Ireland, Christians were persecuted for many centuries.  One of the reasons that St. Patrick was celebrated for driving the snakes from Ireland is because they used to feed Christian children to the snakes.   Christians were kept  poor and not allowed to hold jobs.  Their possessions were simple, but their faith was mighty.
            As the Irish traveled along the countryside at autumn harvest time looking for work picking crops, they were frequently met with signs that said Christians need not apply.   Even a non-Christian who hired a Christian to pick his crops faced persecution from the Irish King.   
            The Irish  needed a subtle symbol to let others know that they welcomed Christians and that the light of Jesus shined within them.   They came up with the idea of taking a pumpkin and carving a smiling face on it.   They then placed a candle inside the pumpkin and placed it in the window.
            The Irish named this pumpkin Jack of the Light or the Americanized version, "Jack O' Lantern".   Christians knew if they saw one of these Jack O'Lanterns in any home, they could receive help there.  If they needed shelter they could stay there and if they needed food, they needed food, the home owners would share whatever meager provisions they could.
            Some families of more well to do Christians began to get a reputation for their generosity.  Unfortunately, this also drew the attention of those powerful people in the government who were against Christians.  They began to pay attention to the people who came to those houses and to record their names.  
            After the first arrests, the Irish Christians got a bright idea.  They began to wear disguises and costumes to conceal their identities from government spies.  It became a beautiful tradition, which we exported when Halloween was brought to America. 
            Nowadays, pumpkins are carved into the most grotesque and hideous shapes imaginable and the original meaning of the Jack O'Lantern has been lost.   Costumes likewise, have become more about displaying skin than about obscuring identities   However, Ireland has become one of the most Christian countries in the world.  How many prayers would have remained unprayed if not for Jack of the Light.
            America may not have had Ireland's religious persecution, but Halloween has remained an important holiday since it was brought to this country by Irish immigrants in the 19th century.   By the early part of the 20th century, the holiday had spread throughout the entire United States.  The concept of Trick or Treating became especially important in the years of Roosevelt's Great Depression when candy was replaced by canned goods and the peas or stewed tomatoes a child earned trick or treating might be all the food that his family had to eat for dinner that night. 
            Records from the period are spotty at best, but I firmly believe more families made it through the Depression because of trick or treating than from any expensive social program that President Roosevelt launched in a misguided attempt to create a safety net for the poor.