Friday, February 14, 2014

Finding Love with A Conservative Man

Well, tonight I was going to write an article about how to find love with a conservative woman.   However, after sitting through an insufferable dinner at Applebees where I listened to my date discuss her views on global warming and I realized I really don’t have a clue how to find love with a conservative woman.  What I do know is what I like, so I thought perhaps an article aimed at conservative women on how to date conservative men would be more useful to my readers.

Meeting a Conservative Guy
  • Tea Parties are what fondue was in the 1970s.   A lot of guys aren’t that good at spelling and a misspelled sign gives you a great opening to approach a guy.  The numbers favor the men and they’re all conservative so make this your first stop.
  • Gun shows are a sure shot.   Guys love guns and if you act knowledgeable, guys will quickly take notice.
  • NASCAR is a winner.   The numbers are very male dominated and this sport is very easy to understand.  The cars just keep going around in a circle over and over.
What Not to Do
  • Don’t talk about past boyfriends.  It makes us feel insecure.
  • Don’t share your views.   We really don’t care.   Sure, we’ll nod and act like we’re interested, but we’ll probably be looking over your shoulder at the television set.
  • Avoid talking long term. If the Bush administration taught you anything, it should be that we’re terrible at long term planning.
What to Do
  • Offer to pay for our meal too.   Let’s face it, traditional family values may say the guy should pay, but our economic conservative hearts will be glad to save the cost of the meal.
  • Make friends with his father.  If things don’t work out, he will probably be the one paying you off to keep quiet.
  • Spice up pillow talk with conservative nicknames like The Gipper or Dutch.   In general if you can make Reagan references, it’s a good idea.
Don’t be alarmed if he cries before, during, or after sex.   This is something all conservatives do.  If you follow these simple rules and show him the love and affection he needs, your conservative relationship can last you long after the sex stops being enjoyable and you still feel any affection for each other.