Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Meeting Michele Bachmann for the First Time


[The Following is excerpted from Profiles in Courageousness.  If you enjoy this blog, you're going to want to pick up your copy today.]

At this point, I was feeling toxic. Nobody wanted to talk to me and I just wanted a giant hole to swallow me up. What had I gotten myself into? My only friend was in the other party and his play in the NFL gave me absolutely no confidence in our relationship. When the moment finally came for us to take a short break, I welcomed it. I did what I did back in California when times were tough; I headed outside to be alone with my thoughts, or as alone as I could be on Capitol Hill.
As I stood on the porch, lost in my own thoughts, I failed to notice a woman approaching me. She was a raven-haired goddess, her black and white checkered shawl covering her simple black dress, but her conservative attire did nothing to hide the fact that this was a woman. Her perfume had hints of lilac and gardenia with just a small note of russet potato. I have always remained reasonably faithful to my wife, but I admit at that moment, I lusted in my heart.
“Don’t let Pelosi get you down,” she said, putting a comforting hand on my shoulder.
“I try not to, but I really wanted to make a good impression on my first day on the new job,” I said.
“Well you made an impression, but believe me, Pelosi is Un-American. I hope to have public hearings where we can weed out any Anti-American members of Congress for the good of this country. I hope you’ll support me,” she smiled.
“I definitely will. I think we’re cut from the same cloth. I’m Jack Kimble,” I said offering her my hand.
“It’s nice to meet you, Jack. I’m Michele…Michele Bachmann from Minnesota,” she said, shaking my hand warmly.
“I’m from California,” I replied, “but I was educated at Notre Dame, so I’ve spent time in the Midwest.”
“You’re not one of those California moderates, I hope,” she said looking me over carefully.
“No more than Ronald Reagan was,” I smiled. “I like my meat red, my cigars Cuban, my women subservient, and my cartoons GI Joe.”
“I like you, Jack Kimble. I think I’ll be keeping an eye on you. I expect to be hearing a lot from you in the next two years,” she said.
“Two years? I thought it was four!” I questioned.
“Four is the president, Jack,” she said, “We only serve for two before re-election.”
“Son of a ****”, I cursed. “This day is going from bad to worse.”

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Congressman Kimble's Press Conference on His Marriage

I won't start in any particular spot.  This particular press conference is the hardest thing I have had to do in at least 3 or 4 years.   I guess to begin with, I have always had a love affair...actually that's a bad choice of words.  I have always loved Yosemite National Park.  It's one of nature's last frontiers and I have long looked forward to someday visiting the park.

So all those things I said about Yosemite were true, but they're not the whole story, and that's obviously why everybody's gathered here right now. So let me lay out that larger story that has attracted so many of you all here. I'm a bottom line kind of guy. I'll lay it out. It's gonna hurt, and we'll let the chips fall where they may. Yep, I'm going to be taking responsibility here. Oh yes, it's responsibility taking time right now.

In so doing, let me first of all apologize to my wife Keri, and our adopted daughter Ayn.  We may have adopted her to save our marriage, but the full responsibility for this breakup does not fall on her shoulders.

I would secondly say to Keri, anybody who has observed her over the last 26 or 27 years of my life knows how closely she has stood by my side in campaign after campaign after campaign and literally being my campaign manager and I hope that she will return to our home when she thinks things over.  I have no idea where she put my brown socks and we will be back in session very soon.

I would also apologize to my staff, because as much as I did talk about going to Yosemite, that was one of the original scenarios that I'd thrown out to Joe E. Lee, that isn't where I ended up. And so I let them down by creating a fiction with regard to where I was going, which means that I then in turn given as much as they relied on that information, let down people that I represent across this great district.

I've let down a lot of people. That's the bottom line. And I let them down and in every instance I would ask there forgiveness. Forgiveness is not an immediate process, it is in fact a process that takes time and I'll be in that process for quite some weeks and months and I suspect years ahead as I attempt to show my wife that I love her and that I am willing to buy incredibly expensive jewelry for her.  I truly believe she is my soul mate and I stand by everything I said about her in my eBook Profiles in Courageousness, available at better eBook stores and soon to be available in paperback this Summer. 

It would be very easy to blame the homosexual agenda for the disillusion of my marriage.  In Congress, I have spoken for sometime about just how damaging to our heterosexual marriages, allowing gay marriage would be.  Today, I am sadly living proof.  However, I know in my heart that God wants me to overcome this hurdle he has placed in my way and I will endeavor everyday to do just that by remaining true to the morals that have always been the bedrock of my life of public service.

My situation is one where I am unfortunately victim as well as guilty party.  The pictures that I sent of Yosemite were Photoshopped and they fooled most people, but it began to unravel when a Twitter user named @LitThom recognized one of the bears I claimed to be in a karate fight with and suspected Photoshop.

The sad truth, is that I spent the weekend at a Fairfield Inn in Akron, Ohio.   I had been lured there, but a woman who I believed I had been having a torrid online affair with on Club Penguin for the past 2 years.  She was a beautiful 22 year old woman who lived not far from my home district.   Unfortunately, I discovered this weekend through the course of several very long phone conversations that the girl that I knew as Lennay Kekua did not in fact exist, but was a hoax being played on me by a very disturbed individual named Ronaiah Tuiasosopo.

In retrospect, leaving my wife and daughter for a woman that I had never met, was one of the biggest mistakes I've made in some time.   It is my hope, that my wife will accept my failings as I accept hers and that she will take me back. I truly am a victim here, but with God's help, I will overcome and my family will become a shining city on the hill and together we will be a new Jerusalem.   Thank you.  Thank you very much.   Stay Free America!!