Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Rush Limbaugh is Not Our Leader

I have been getting rather fed up lately with people falling for the Democrat strategy of making Rush Limbaugh out to be more than simply a commentator. He is not the leader of the Republican party any more than Keith Olbermann is the leader of the Democrat party. Rush is just an entertainer. None of us take our orders for him, but we do find him entertaining and sometimes quite insightful. I certainly don't take policy points from him.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Messing with Polls Isn't Funny

I noticed some of you liberals thought it was real funny to stack the voting in my poll. Everybody knows that free market capitalism is the best way to improve the economy. I find it really hard to believe that 5 times as many people think Obama style socialism is better. I am not happy about this. I hope you will have the common decency to respect the new poll and not try to stack the voting.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Representative Kimble Apologizes for Shipley Park Teabagging Incident

I would like to extend my deepest regrets for the actions of some at the Teabagging Demonstration at Shipley Park earlier today. I was thrilled with the large turnout and I was excited to see how much attention the large "Teabagging Demonstration" sign attracted. Unfortunately, it turned out that a lot of people who came to see our demonstration were not actually protesting the stimulus package. I had a feeling something was up when I heard quite a large number of snickers during my speech.

It turns out that unbeknownst to us, teabagging has another meaning than the way we had intended it. In fact it has a very filthy and disgusting definition. Evidently, people saw the "Teabagging Demonstration" and thought we were actually going to do it. It is a real shame that the actions of a few perverts ruined the efforts of a bunch of good people to stand up to wasteful spending in this country.

I have also been informed that the teabagging shirts we were giving away were actually about the other kind of teabagging. We have destroyed over 100 offending t-shirts and we would ask that anybody who has either the t-shirt we were selling or the "Congressman Kimble's Teabagging Team" bumper sticker we were giving away to please return them to our office.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Don't Forget Teabagging Demonstration Saturday

Don't forget our Teabagging Demonstration at Shipley Park this Saturday from 9AM until Noon. This should be a great event for the whole family. Even if your children aren't old enough to pay taxes, they'll want to tell everybody about their first teabagging too. I'm looking forward to speaking and getting the message out myself. My office has taken the liberty of purchasing teabagging shirts for the demonstration. You can purchase them for $10 each at the park or stop by my office today. The shirt let's everybody know you think Obama's budget is nuts and that you're not afraid to put your teabag where your mouth is.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Representative Kimble Salutes Heterosexual Married Couples

I welcomed heterosexual married couples into my office this evening for my Salute to Heterosexuality Forum. I met a whole lot of married heterosexuals including the Stanleys, Kryzinskis, and Faulkes. I was happy to reassure them that I would do everything I can to stop gay marriage before it effects their own married lives.

Representative Kimble's Open Letter on Obama - Notre Dame Controversy

Dear President Father Jenkins,

As a 1985 graduate of Notre Dame, I have many fond memories of my time spent in our lady's hallowed halls. Since graduating I have always remained proud of my alma matter and I have applied the moral training that I received at Notre Dame to my career in public office. As a member of Congress I am often called on to make tough moral decisions and it is my faith and the influence of Notre Dame and Ronald Reagan that allow me to make the tough choices.

It is for this reason I am writing to you to protest in the strongest terms your decision to have President Obama speak at this year's Commencement Ceremony. A graduation speaker must uphold the values of the University he is speaking at and President Obama does not do this.

I remember my own graduation very vividly. When El Salvadoran President Juan Napoleon Duarte spoke to us, we knew that he was approaching us as a fellow Catholic and Notre Dame alumnus and that his faith had carried him through difficult times. When those nuns were murdered in his country by right wing death squads under his leadership he must have felt awful, but like Job in the Bible he persevered to continue fighting against socialism and for Catholic ideals in El Salvador.

My grandfather graduated from Notre Dame in 1942 and while World War II was in everybody's thoughts, it was speaker J. Edgar Hoover who told the graduates about a world where law and order would be strictly enforced. This was another moral man who spoke with the convictions of our beautiful university. What Obama must understand is that the decision of Earl Warren (Commencement Speaker 1957) and his Supreme Court in Roe vs. Wade is an anathema to Catholic teaching

Through the years, Notre Dame has had war heroes like William T. Sherman and politicians like President Bush speak at graduations and they have always been men of the highest character. How hypocritical is it of our great university to now ask somebody like Obama, who is quite probably secretly a Muslim, to speak. To go from a great fighter of socialism in Juan Napoleon Duarte to a socialist like Obama in the span of just 25 years is distressing and I fear for the future of Notre Dame. I am suspending my $20 annual contribution until this matter is rectified and a new football coach is hired.

Representative Jack Kimble (Class of '85)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I Cannot Believe Olbermann

I was having a great day. My Fox 15 thing was a big hit and I got some good me time. So I'm sitting down eating dinner and I get this call from Johnny B. Now Boehner never calls during dinner time so I'm immediately alarmed. "Did you see Olbermann last night?" he asks me.

"No," I said, "Its recess. Get your head out of all that politics stuff."

"Its Virginia," he shot back, "Olbermann slammed Virginia."

Now, I was pissed. It seems as usual Keith Olbermann got only half the story and decided to jump to all sorts of conclusions. He told everybody that Eric Cantor got this idea that we would ambush the freshman Democrats when they spoke in Congress. Then we'd interrogate them and make them look foolish so that we could win partisan points and we would post this on Youtube. In fact, Eric Cantor's staff wrote our questions for us.

In reality, this idea started with me. My idea was water balloons. I thought it'd be cool, when we were all walking out, if we'd have our staff pelt them with water balloons and we'd post it on Youtube. It'd be so awesome because they'd be like "I'm a congressman, but I'm all wet. I don't look dignified at all. Help!"

Eric liked the idea a lot, but he figured the odds of all the freshman walking out at the same time was pretty small and people would tip off the Dems if all our staffers were outside holding water balloons. Our initial questions were wacky like when I was giving Betsey Markey the whole "Is your refrigerator running" shtick. Then Pelosi gave us a major tongue lashing for wasting Congress's time. Grrrr! I hate that woman. Now all that we're left with are boring policy questions. Cantor's staff was at least nice enough to write them for us.

Hazing the freshmen is nothing new. Cantor himself used to have to shave Dennis Hastert's back every Friday morning. I'm told that in the 19th century they used to make the freshmen reps where beanies. This sort of thing builds character. We've even been pretty lenient with the binge drinking with this class. So where does Mr. Keith Olbermann get off? I already told all of you about what Dick Cheney made me do.

Anyway, I made my own video of Virginia Foxx. I am hoping that this will cheer her up. I think you'll like it more than Olbermann's lame video of our "hazing" followed by my video for Virginia.

The Blog Thus Far

I hope you have enjoyed the blog so far. Other than an angry call from Johnny Boehner I have been too. I guess he was afraid that some of my Asian constituents would be offended by my saying "me love you long time" in relation to Michelle Malkin. If you are Asian, we're cool right? Anyway, I promised John that I'd be more careful with what I was saying. Another blogger actually saved where I said Nancy Pelosi had cold dead eyes to use against me. Man, please don't show her that. Anyway, I asked some people who stopped by my office today for questions so that I could try and get more of my constituents over to this blog. Please feel free to ask me anything. If I don't know the answer I'll make something up lol.

What are you most proud of in your career in congress?
That's tough. I'd probably go with getting President Obama to change his stimulus bill despite not voting for it anyway. That
was pretty awesome.

Do you want President Obama to fail?
You bet. He wants me to fail too. In 4 years, I'd like to be driving my car and stop at a stoplight and have him start cleaning my windshield.

What do you like least about being in congress?
My chair squeeks. They keep telling me they'll look at it, but if you lean back and to the left a bit it'll start squeeking. During his address to congress, I kept squeeking whenever Obama would pause. You can hear me doing it on the broadcasts too lol.

What was your most difficult moment in congress?
Nobody bothered to tell me that Barney Frank was gay. Gabrielle Giffords walked by in this very short suit and I pointed to her and told Barney, "I wouldn't mind fillibustering that if you know what I mean." I guess she overheard and when she turned around, I told her, "It was him" pointing to Barney. She came back to us punched me in the stomach, grabbed me by the tie and told me "I'm married to an astronaut Kimble. We can put your remains where they'll never find them." I think she meant it too.

Fox 15 Segment a Success

I have to say the Fox 15 segment was a huge success. My phone has been ringing off the hook since it aired with concerned seniors wanting to know how they can protect themselves from al-qaeda. What I really was impressed with was that we were simply calling for nursing home staff to be armed. After the segment aired with the mock al-qaeda nursing home attack, we had literally dozens of concerned elderly viewers wanting to arm themselves so that they could contribute to their own protection. Once again thanks to Linda Ellard and the whole gang over at Fox 15.

Become a Summer Intern

Don't forget to stop by my office for applications for a Summer Internship. I'm going to need between 4 and 6 people this year. Being a Congressional intern looks great to future employers, gives valuable experience and we have a blast. Last year's interns (shown at our End of Summer BBQ) Jill, Staci, Jenny, and Sheila all said it was one of the most rewarding times of their life. Make sure you get your application in by May 1st.

Representative Kimble Pushes for School Reform at Steven J. Brown Charter School

This morning I was up early to visit the students at Steven J. Brown Charter School and I must admit it was awe inspiring to see the amount that these students have been able to memorize since the charter opened in September. The Brown philosophy of corporal punishment and rote memorization is proven to get results and we are anxiously awaiting their results from state testing.

Principal Handley and Vice-Principal Sommers were my tour guides as I walked from classroom to classroom. I am definitely convinced that chart schools are the answer to our country's education problems. They will allow caring and concerned parents to seperate their kids from the objectionable students in a way that just isn't possible in a public school setting.

If you're not from my district, let your Representative know that you want more charters. The teacher's unions claim that charter schools are a way to bust the unions, but consider that the largest contributor to charters in this country is Walmart. Do you think a company like Walmart would want to be accused of union busting? or would the Bill Gates Foundation want to be accused of unfair business practices? I think not.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Nervous About Fox 15

The interview has already been taped and Linda Ellard is not only extremely nice, she's a news babe with a capital B. I think I did a nice job stating the reasons why nursing home staff should be armed in the event that al-qaeda tries to get to us through our seniors.

The problem is that I have never really sought the limelight. I haven't been on television that many times and that disastrous appearance on Washington Journal in defense of my bill to extend concealed carry rights to high school and middle school students who had at least a B average and had otherwise qualified to carry a gun did not go over very well with the Eastern elite. I guess I'm lucky that this is a local broadcast. I bet it still gets more viewers than C-Span.

I'm off to bed. That's part of being a responsible public servant. I've been on break for 2 days so far and I still haven't gotten to have any real fun yet.

See Representative Kimble on Fox 15

I just wanted to let you all know that I'm going to be on Fox 15 News at Noon tomorrow discussing how seniors can protect themselves from terrorist attack. My bill for arming nursing home staff for such a terrible eventuality will be discussed. If you or anybody you know is elderly, you're not going to want to miss this spot. I am really grateful to Linda Ellard, Charles Sweeney, and the entire Fox 15 News family for giving me this forum.

Do You Ever Wish You Had an Unlisted Number?

Sometimes, I really wish I had an unlisted number. Jeff Miller and Connie Mack got me hooked in this Judge Mathis Show, but I never get to catch it. When I'm in District, Lisa knows not to disturb me when its on. Even my friends who are lawyers admit that Judge Mathis has a way of just cutting to the root of a problem--that's an admirable quality in any judge.

Anyway, the one person Lisa never seems to be able to dodge is Eleanor Holmes Norton. Face to face she isn't that bad, but on the phone she's like a bulldog until she gets through. Now don't get me wrong, she's a very impressive woman, but she's not even really a representative. She's a House Member the way that Angie Dickenson was in the Rat Pack. I mean maybe technically she is, but she can't even vote. Pete Sessions gives her a hard time about it. It really cracks me up, but I think it frosts her bottom to not have an actual vote.

Anyway, she calls right in the middle of Judge Mathis and Lisa caves in and puts her through. We won the House Pictionary Tournament last year so she feels like she has an in with me and I don't dislike her or anything, but I'm trying to watch Mathis on mute with the captions scrolling and she's talking to me on the phone. For all I know I just agreed to support giving her voting rights. That woman is tenacious.

I'm Missing W.

I know that outside of my own district, this may be unpopular to say, but I'm missing President Bush. I met him only a handful of times, but I remember him as a very warm and gracious host. He used to call me "Cappy" because when he first met me we were at a fundraiser that was about 100 degrees in the shade and I had on this blue golf cap to protect me from the sun. For some reason he picked up on it. Whenever I'd see him, he'd be like "Where's your cap, Cappy?" We'd both crack up and then he'd give me the thumbs up sign. I don't think Obama even knows my name.

I was never really a fan of Dick Cheney. Sure, I agreed with him on policy, but as a freshman congressman Bush put him in charge of hazing us. I remember one pool party at Karl Rove's where it really got out of hand after they made myself and Butch Otter doing Jaeger Bombs. The combination of the heat and the drinking really was getting to us and then they made us push a peanut across the floor with our noses. I used to hate having to carry a copy of the Constitution around with me at all times, but you never knew when he'd call on you to recite a part and you'd have to give it to him or one of the senior representatives to check us. As much as being a freshman was tough, I learned a lot about good government.

Representative Kimble Honors Retired Rodeo Clown Larry "Bobo" Baker

It was an honor for me to meet rodeo great Larry "Bobo" Baker. Despite standing barely five feet tall, Larry was the kind of rodeo clown that larger men could only dream of being. At a ceremony at Yuchu Courthouse, Larry was presented a plague with the proclamation that I passed in the House of Representatives declaring April 7th as Larry "Bobo" Baker Day. It just goes to show you that it isn't the height of the clown, its the heart of the clown that's important.

Representative Kimble on Gay Marriage

Friends, it is with great sadness I report that the Vermont legislature has chosen to override Governor Douglas's veto and allow same sex marriage. For shame Vermont. As a member of the House of Representatives, I can confidently say that it is the responsibility of the members of any duly elected legislature to give their full support to their executive regardless of political affiliation. Overriding a veto is something that should be done only in cases of extreme need.

I believe gay marriage is something that should be discussed on a state by state matter and as such I urge all readers to join the fight against gay marriage in their state and to send money to put a Constitutional amendment on the ballot in Vermont.

I want to make it perfectly clear that I have nothing against homosexuals. I simply wish to protect our children from their wanton lifestyle and have the right not to have to live near, sell to, or speak to homosexuals. I would also like to assure that no heterosexuals are discriminated against in traditionally homosexual fields like hair design, fashion, and jazz dance.

Fun at the Kimble Office

My secretary Lisa is my lifeline. She wasn't my favorite person this morning, but she got me up in time to go to the prayer breakfast. Now she's half Polish and half Irish, but she knows that I have a thing for Asian chicks. After the prayer breakfast I come back to my office and tell her not to let anybody disturb me until noon and I start to take a nap. At 10 minutes to noon she calls me pretending to be Michelle Malkin. She can imitate her voice perfectly. So I'm trying to remember my talking points and fumbling over myself and I can hear her giggling. I said to her "me love you long time" and I hung up and went out into the outer office and we laughed for like 5 minutes. She's got a boyfriend, but like I remind her, he's not a congressman. Anyway, when you're serving the people, you've got to keep a sense of humor.

Liberal Media Takes Quote Out of Context

I thought that yesterday's groundbreaking went amazingly well. Imagine my surprise when the Sun-Telegraph called it an embarrassment for the voters who elected me. When I left there everybody was smiling and joking. I did have a couple of beers at lunch, but I was not what I would call "publicly intoxicated" by any stretch of the imagination. As for the comment about the Mexican construction working I was simply implying that if the Immigration Service was there, they'd be proud of how hard he was working. The Sun-Telegraph has had a long history of using quotes out of context and trying to call me an embarrassment. That happens when you're a newspaper that is about to go bankrupt. I have phoned the newspaper and demanded an apology.

Representative Kimble to Host Forum on The Myth of Global Warming

I will be hosting a forum on May 14th at 7:00 PM at the Oakview Recreational Center on the myth of global warming entitled, "If This is Global Warming Then I Just Shoveled Some Sun Flakes." A brief slide show will be presented by The Reverend Dr. Ted Laramie author of the children's book, "I'm No Monkey."

The forum will provide families with the information they need to defend themselves against liberal lies about the supposedly changing climate including President Obama's cap and trade program which will put a tax of $63,000 on every man, woman, and child in the United States. Imagine a world where the government can tell you when you can turn on the lights or what television stations you can watch and when. I urge everybody who does not wish to live under such repressive conditions to attend. Cookies and punch will be served. The cost is free to the public.

Representative Kimble Attends Pinecrest Baptist Prayer Breakfast

If there is one thing that my district has plenty of, it would have to be devout senior citizens. Their simple faith as they get ready to pass on to the next world is really something inspiring. I don't know anybody else who would willingly get up early on a Tuesday morning in order to sit in church and then eat eggs and other foods that have been refreshingly freed from spice and flavor. The truth be told, this obligation somehow escaped my mind until I was lucky enough to receive several wake up calls from my Chief of Staff Lisa.

As a Representative, I find myself in a more difficult spot than say a Senator because I always have to be running for my next election. A Senator wouldn't be as concerned about senior citizens because he could be reasonably sure that within 6 years a lot of them will have died off. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury with my next election less than 2 years away. Have you donated to my campaign yet? I don't know if God concerns himself with our little elections down here on Earth, but it just feels good to pray against Obama.

Monday, April 6, 2009

What's a Few Billion Dollars Between Friends?

My buddy Paul Ryan (R-WI) is a bit of a nerd. While the rest of us were playing cards over at Jim Jodan's (R-OH) place, Paul is like cranking out this thing. He keeps calling in from the kitchen and asking us, "do we want to cut this or do we want to cut that?" I'm drawing an inside straight and Bill Cassidy (R-LA) is already mouthing off about the way I play cards. You don't backtalk a Baton Rouge gambler either cause he'll stick you.

Anyway, the game is going great and all of a sudden Paul's like, "I finished the whole damn thing. This is like the most killer budget ever."

At first we were all, "Shut up Ryan! We're trying to play cards", but I have to admit I'm really proud that we produced this budget. Not only does it include some nice tax cuts like the kind that had guided us to prosperity over the past 8 years before you know who became the President, but if you look at that chart, we are so kicking his budget's ass in 2035. That's the best thing about being home for these couple weeks. If I was in Washington, I'd have a staffer telling me I can't type the word "ass".

Anyway, the White House was not happy when we put out our own budget. They were like telling us that making a budget was really complicated and we'd never figure it out, but we showed them. That's how we kick it GOP style.

Why We're Not in Session

This is like Spring Break for us. For the next two weeks we're in what's called Spring District Work Period. It might just be me, but the meetings seem to drag on forever lately. Some of these representatives need to lighten up. I guess the main thing we do to kill time is to flirt with the female representatives.

I used to be lucky to have an office right be Vito Fossella and he was always good for a joke or to let me know how the ladies of congress were dressed on that particular day. Hottest congresswomen. That's debatable. Everybody has their favorites. Even though I'm a Republican I wouldn't mind a joint session with Stephanie Herseth Sandlin if you know what I mean. Of course Michelle Bachman has amazing legs. C-Span does not do them justice. I'm going with Marsha Blackburn of Tennessee though. That accent just melts your heart.

Representative Kimble Breaks Ground on G.I. to Greeter Center

I have to give a lot of credit to the good folks of my district, especially in Greenview. While a lot of people love to whine and complain about the high cost of medical care for seniors and the way the stock market collapse hurt a lot of people on fixed incomes, the people of Greenview have done something about it. Using stimulus funds, that I helped push hard to get for us, the volunteers at the Greenview Senior Center invited me to help break ground today on the new GIs to Greeters Center. The program is designed to give retired veterans the training necessary to become Walmart Greeters. Best of all, the program is not limited to veterans.

The idea is the brainchild of Roger Wainwright who was decorated for his service in Korea and was interested in a job at the local Walmart, but lacked any experience. Roger and his wife Betty were gracious hosts and for a man of his age, Roger can still swing quite a shovel.

Welcome Voters and Concerned Citizens

Since first being elected to the House in 2006, people from inside and outside my district alike have been telling me to make a presence on the internets. Like many of my conservative colleagues I was was weary of such foolishness. Then I met a man named Nate Peele who wanted to conduct an interview with me for his blog. I decided that this was exactly the kind of outreach that I needed to reach out to young voters in my district. Technology isn't always easy for a chicken farmer like me to figure out, but I hope this will be the beginning of something big.

For those of you who don't know me, I am the former CEO of Kimble Farms. If you haven't had one of our chickens in the yellow and blue packages you have probably been served a Kimble bird at one of the many fine restaurants who buy from us. We also sell beaks, slurry, and assorted waste products for industrial uses or to be used in chicken nuggets.

I am proud to say that my father built Kimble Farms from a small chicken shack to a multinational conglomerate through hard work. This is the same hard work that all Americans are called to today. I am living proof that the free enterprise system capitalist system works best for everybody from myself down to the migrant workers on my farms.

I have made education a priority. I am dismayed at the filfth that young children are seeing today. Gay marriage, socialism, evolution, foreign language study, and religious diversity are not the values that I was raised on and they are not the values that will see America into the next century. If we want to succeed we must do what we have always done best in this country and that is be Americans.