Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Congressman Kimble's Speech at Saint Nicholas Owen College

Thanks for inviting me to speak to your organization. I wish we had had a abstinence club at Notre Dame back when I was in college, but I guess we never really needed it. I graduated in 1985 and in the 1980s, nobody in college was having sex. A lot of people would tell stories, but I knew they were making it up. I'm hear to talk about birth control, which is something I've unfortunately learned a lot about even though my wife is barren due to an unfortunate childhood accident with a combine. I still love her very much and we adopted a beautiful girl this year, which is almost as good as having a child of your own.

We face a crisis in this country. Every year thousands of children are born before they are even conceived because of birth control or as the scientists call it contraception. Hitler killed six million people. By my math, it doesn't take long for an irresponsible guy with a pack of condoms to literally be worse than Hitler. As a civilized country, we simply cannot allow this to continue.

We Catholics aren't particularly into sex. For one thing, we're not very good at it. For another, many Catholics practice the only form of 100% effective and moral birth control - abstinence birth control. I believe that all employers should provide the pamphlet on abstinence only birth control that Jack Chick created.

Abstinence Only is the answer for all Americans. It is 100% safe from both disease and pregnancy. It's technique is really simple, think unsexy thoughts and say no. In college I carried a picture of Ayn Rand that I could look at whenever I was feeling lustful. It always did the trick. The latest scientific research shows that birth begins at ejaculation, sometimes called the breath of life. While there's no evidence of a single sperm surviving on it's own for long, we can't discount future scientific advances.

I thank those of you here for taking the pledge and I hope others will join you. Sex will be there for you when your older and frankly it'll mostly be a giant colossal disappointment. Contraception only makes it less satisfying. Even if you wear ribbed condoms inside out for your own pleasure, it's still kind of meh. Thank you and Stay Free Saint Nicholas Owen College!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Jack Kimble Anounces Presidential Endorsement

This has been a hard fought GOP Presidential Primary Race and more than anything I wanted to emerge as the Republican nominee. Unfortunately, it was not to be. However, I would be foolish not to admit at this time that the remaining field is an embarrassment of riches. We would be lucky to have any of them as our nominee to take on President Obama.

As I thought further, I realized what I was looking for was a candidate who can speak with authority on family values like Newt Gingrich, yet also speak with the authority on the economy that Mit Romney has with everyday working stiffs. If he had the same ability to ride with the back and forth and come from behind the way Rick Santorum does we'd have a winner. Throw in expressive eyebrows like Ron Paul and we've got another Reagan.

Unfortunately, reviewing the candidate, I found that the only candidate who really had all these qualities was myself. I have dropped out of the race, but there is still no reason why people cannot continue to write me in. For that reason, I am endorsing Jack Kimble for President of the United States.

Soon after writing this, I realized that endorsing myself wasn't really the wisest course of action. In Iowa, God had endorsed me and I do believe that through God all things are possible. That's why I'm also endorsing God.

Finally, I needed a candidate with a chance to win. While God should have everybody's support and while I am clearly the most qualified candidate, I wanted to endorse somebody who was still in the race. The answer was clear---former Louisiana Governor Buddy Roemer has had the same trouble having his message heard as I have. The establishment is clearly as afraid of him as they are of me and while I have not been able to get him to endorse my stands on child labor or encasing the United States in a 15 foot wall paid for by advertising, Roemer is clearly a candidate of solid principles.

So, in order, I am endorsing the following candidates:

1. Myself (write me in)
2. Jesus (would have been my first choice for running mate)
3. Buddy Roemer (still fighting the good fight)