Profiles in Courageousness Mayan Apocalypse Winner Announced!

I am pleased to announce the winner of the Ronald Reagan vs. Mayan Apocalypse winner.  It wasn't an easy choice for our judges, but in the end we gave the nod to Jeff  Caldwell for his coining of the phrase "Morning in Mesoamerica".  I will be contacting Jeff tonight to let him know how to claim his rare free edition of the Profiles in Courageousness eBook.    These were my favorite entries:

Reagan foiled the Mayan Sun Stone calendar by taking those offensive solar panels Carter put up off the White House and using good old fossil fuel again. @TeacherArthurG

In his Star Wars speech RWR invoked Gukumatz not to return to earth at End Time, thus a space time Laffer Curve. @djank

Blowing the world's budget on defense spending meant we couldn't use it for hedonistic splurges that would doom us all. @BaghwanB

*Winner* Reagan, recognizing the Mayan Apocalypse as the ultimate death tax, used his veto pen and ushered in Morning in Mesoamerica. @jeffreycaldwell

A Christmas Message from Jack Kimble

 
Merry Christmas!

I hope this message finds you and your family well and enjoying the peace of this joyous season.  If you are not Christian, I hope you are partaking of the joy of the season and worshiping as you see fit as well. For my Jewish friends celebrating the holiest of their holidays called Hannukah and my African-American friends ready to begin decorating their Kwanzaa Huts, I wish you peace.

For my Christian friends, I hope you don't get too wrapped up in the joy of time spent with family to forget about the real joy of this season.   While we all may dream of white Christmases, it's important to realize that the Christ child was born on a brutal winter's evening in Bethlehem and snow only made it more difficult for Joseph and Mary to keep that little baby warm in the manger so that he could someday shed his light on all of us.

With the recent uptick in gun violence, it's important that we do all we can to keep violent video games away from our families.    I will be hosting a violent video game turn in on Sunday December 30th from 1-5 PM at Heritage Valley Mall.   The first 100 people to turn in video games will receive copies of my new eBook, Profiles in Courageousness.  10 lucky participants will win a LaRue Tactical PredatAR 7.62 semi-automatic rifle.   This gun is a beauty.  It's a $2,500 value and  is effective for big game in stands as well as stalking the timber.  The rifles are being generously donate by the Glendale Valley Sportsmans Association.

I am thrilled with the success of my new eBook, Profiles in Courageousness and I hope that if you are stuck for a last minute gift idea, you'll consider it.  Just click the link on this page.  The book is both a road map for the future of this country as well as my personal memoirs of growing up and becoming the compassionate conservative I am today.

Have a glorious holiday and a wonderful New Year!  I will be enjoying myself unless we get called back for some fiscal cliff stuff.  I hope not.  I just want to enjoy this great district of mine.

Congressman Jack Kimble
Representative, California's 54'th District

Win a Free Copy of Profiles in Courageousness Ebook

My new Ebook has taken the country by storm, but you can have a copy for free.   As you know, the world was supposed to end on December 21st, but the day ended without an apocalypse.  I can only assume this was because of something President Reagan did behind the scenes back in the 1980s.  To win a copy of the Ebook, simply explain in 140 characters or less on this blog or on Twitter how Ronald Reagan avoided the Mayan apocalypse.   I will get it to you in your preferred format and if you don't have an e-reader, I will even send it in PDF format.  I will announce the winner on December 30th. 

To tweet a winning answer use hash tag #Profilesincourageousness.   You can post it in comments as well.  Make sure to post with a name or pseudonym so I can announce the winner.

President Lightning

The success of Profiles in Courageousness has made many readers ask me what my next project will be.  I am actually currently working on a screenplay for a movie that I am tentatively calling President Lighting.  It takes place during the 1936 Berlin Olympics and it's a piece of historical fiction.  Or is it?

In 1935, the Nazis worried about being embarrassed at the Berlin Olympics the next year kidnap Jesse Owens.   It looks like they will be unstoppable in track and field until a crippled President and a discredited ex-President from the other party team up to take it to Hitler.   He was born to lead, but he was made to run.   They call him President Lightning.   Here's an excerpt.

[INT - THE OVAL OFFICE]

FDR is in his power blue track suit sitting behind his desk in the Oval Office.   He is smoking a cigarette and he looks sullen.   Herbert Hoover is standing in front of the desk in a brown suit.  He holds a clipboard and a stop watch.   Beads of perspiration run down Roosevelt's forehead and sweat stains mar the otherwise pristine look of Roosevelt's track suit.  There is an uncomfortably long pause as Hoover looks like he is about to say something, but thinks better of it.

FDR: [Flicking a cigarette ash] This is insane Herbert. I'm barely out of my wheelchair.  I can't win a race.  Somebody else will have to run.

HOOVER: Dammit Franklin! Why can't you pick yourself up by your own boot straps.   That's what Theodore would have done.

FDR: Damn you Hoover! I'm not him.   The other Roosevelt had two good legs.  All I've got is a big social program which has prolonged the Great Depression and a very unattractive wife who is even more liberal than I am.

HOOVER: If you think that's all you've got Franklin, then you've lost already.

FDR: What do you know about it anyway?  You're not even a real track coach.

HOOVER: [Snatches the cigarette out of FDR's mouth] Spit that thing out.   Those Germans are fast and I'm not training you so I can look foolish!  Look, I may not be a real track coach, but I am a real American and what I know is that an American is never licked as long is he's got a breath in his body and a fight in his heart.   You think you've got it tough Mr. President, well I've got news for you.   Thanks to all your big government spending a whole lot of people have it tougher than you do.   If I hadn't organized all those Hoover-villes they wouldn't have anywhere to go.   You think you've got it tough?  Try raising a family of 8 when you're factory just closed down.

FDR: [Angrily] I'm trying to everything I can.

HOOVER: Trying isn't good enough Mister President.   What are you going to do?

FDR: I don't know

HOOVER: I said what are you going to do?

FDR [Getting out of wheel chair] I'm going to run Hitler's socks off.

WHITE HOUSE MAID: [She is a rather rotund black woman who has been secretly listenning in on the two men's conversation] Lordy Mister President, I had hoped you'd say that.   I don't like that Mister Hitler none anyway.   You go run circles around them Nazis.   Jesse Owens was running for my people Mister President, the way I figure it you're running for all of us too now.

FDR: I intend to Dorothy.   Now why don't you fix me some of them biscuits you make.   All this training's going to make me mighty hungry

[Here we have a training montage as FDR goes from being unsteady on his feet to being a world class athelete thanks to his hard work.   Show Hoover looking displeased at first, but gradually lightening up as FDR improves.   This montage not only shows FDR's ability improving, but a bond developing between the two men.   This montage is an excellent spot for an uplifting rock song.]

Jack Kimble Takes on Kelly Carlin's Podcast.

On Thursday, November 29th, California 54th District Congressman Jack Kimble took on George Carlin's daughter Kelly on her weekly podcast.  You can follow this link to the show.  Congressman Kimble's interview starts at the 53:45 mark, but the entire show is worth a listen to.  Though Kelly has something of a reputation as a liberal storm trooper, the remainder of the show was mostly apolitical.  Kelly was a very gracious hostess and the pair had a wonderful back and forth despite Kelly's liberal political naivete

Congressman Kimble Gives Up on Food Stamp Challenge

It is with great sorrow that I throw in the towel on the Food Stamp Challenge that I began only a few days ago with such trepidation.  I can tell you right now, it is an amazing feat to be able to feed oneself on a meager $31.50 a day.   What doomed me in the long run was a miscalculation on my part.  I went out to dinner with former Congressman Tom Ensign to discuss a new PAC he wishes to start advocating for candidates with a strong focus on Family Values.   Unfortunately, I mistakenly thought it was his turn to treat.   In reality, I got stuck with the bill for steaks and Maker's Mark Manhattans totaling $325 blowing my budget out of the water for the week.   The only way to have made it work, would have been to rely solely on my own kitchen for the rest of the week.

Part of me really hates giving up on this challenge because it gives the satisfaction of my quitting to all the unemployed and Walmart employees on food stamps.   While I could not live on $31.50 a day, surely if they cooked for themselves, and clipped coupons, and stuck to domestic wines, they could make it work.  Still, I am a good enough man to admit defeat.  During these 3 days, I learned a lot about hunger and about suffering in a way that I couldn't have from listening to a lobbyist describe a bill I was going to vote on.   I guess in that way, the experiment was a success. 

Congressman Kimble's Food Stamp Challenge - Day 2

Day 2 of the Food Stamp Challenge was even harder than day 1 if that is possible.  Again, hunger wasn't the big issue as much as the way other people have begun perceiving me.  Also, with the big Notre Dame game tonight, I knew I was going to have to find a way to squeeze beer and chips into the very tight $31.50 food budget.

Breakfast: I was back at East of Java again today for another 12 shot venti vanilla cinnamon white hazelnut mocha with extra caramel and mocha as well as a blueberry scone.  I brought my wife and daughter with me as well.  As I brought the bill to the cash register, I managed to catch Joe's attention, but he seemed less excited to see me than yesterday.  He waved off my credit card again, but today it seemed like a chore or something.  Gone was yesterday's smile.   Could he sense the desperation that my new status has brought on?

Lunch: I was lucky at lunchtime.  I had made an appointment to see a friend of mine with the natural gas industry about legislation allowing fracking on public school property.   The proposal sounds like a great way of giving us long sought energy independence while at the same time allowing school children to learn about science.  It was your typical 4 martini lunch with a lobster tail thrown in for sustenance and a delightful pumpkin bisque soup. 

Dinner: I was feeling pretty good that it was now dinner and I had yet to spend a dollar on food.   The temptation was, of course, to splurge.  However, I remembered the chips and beer that I wanted for tonight's Notre Dame game.  Instead I went to the refrigerator.  The chef had made some Beef Wellington before leaving for the Thanksgiving holiday.  I followed his instructions and had the tasty pastry with some baby carrots and new potatoes.   Of course, I had a few glasses of wine for dinner.

Snack: I spent $20.18 on chips and beer for tonight's Notre Dame game.   Mantei Te'Meow and I have been looking forward to this game all week.

Day 2 Total = $20.18

Small Business Saturday: Today is Small Business Saturday,  I encourage everybody to visit small businesses for your shopping today.  If this note finds you too late, remember you can't get much smaller than an independent eBook seller.   My eBook Profiles in Courageousness is only $3.99 at better online retailers.