Jack Kimble's Message to Freshmen Congressmen

As GOP Pledge Chair, I feel very fortunate that I am not only given an opportunity to help our Congressmen bond, but also to help them understand some of the complex decisions that we must make as legislators if we're to keep to our legislative strategy this Congress. I made this short two minute video to brief them on a myriad of Republican positions.

I Cannot Believe Olbermann

I was having a great day. My Fox 15 thing was a big hit and I got some good me time. So I'm sitting down eating dinner and I get this call from Johnny B. Now Boehner never calls during dinner time so I'm immediately alarmed. "Did you see Olbermann last night?" he asks me.

"No," I said, "Its recess. Get your head out of all that politics stuff."

"Its Virginia," he shot back, "Olbermann slammed Virginia."

Now, I was pissed. It seems as usual Keith Olbermann got only half the story and decided to jump to all sorts of conclusions. He told everybody that Eric Cantor got this idea that we would ambush the freshman Democrats when they spoke in Congress. Then we'd interrogate them and make them look foolish so that we could win partisan points and we would post this on Youtube. In fact, Eric Cantor's staff wrote our questions for us.

In reality, this idea started with me. My idea was water balloons. I thought it'd be cool, when we were all walking out, if we'd have our staff pelt them with water balloons and we'd post it on Youtube. It'd be so awesome because they'd be like "I'm a congressman, but I'm all wet. I don't look dignified at all. Help!"

Eric liked the idea a lot, but he figured the odds of all the freshman walking out at the same time was pretty small and people would tip off the Dems if all our staffers were outside holding water balloons. Our initial questions were wacky like when I was giving Betsey Markey the whole "Is your refrigerator running" shtick. Then Pelosi gave us a major tongue lashing for wasting Congress's time. Grrrr! I hate that woman. Now all that we're left with are boring policy questions. Cantor's staff was at least nice enough to write them for us.

Hazing the freshmen is nothing new. Cantor himself used to have to shave Dennis Hastert's back every Friday morning. I'm told that in the 19th century they used to make the freshmen reps where beanies. This sort of thing builds character. We've even been pretty lenient with the binge drinking with this class. So where does Mr. Keith Olbermann get off? I already told all of you about what Dick Cheney made me do.

Anyway, I made my own video of Virginia Foxx. I am hoping that this will cheer her up. I think you'll like it more than Olbermann's lame video of our "hazing" followed by my video for Virginia.

Become a Summer Intern

Don't forget to stop by my office for applications for a Summer Internship. I'm going to need between 4 and 6 people this year. Being a Congressional intern looks great to future employers, gives valuable experience and we have a blast. Last year's interns (shown at our End of Summer BBQ) Jill, Staci, Jenny, and Sheila all said it was one of the most rewarding times of their life. Make sure you get your application in by May 1st.

Do You Ever Wish You Had an Unlisted Number?

Sometimes, I really wish I had an unlisted number. Jeff Miller and Connie Mack got me hooked in this Judge Mathis Show, but I never get to catch it. When I'm in District, Lisa knows not to disturb me when its on. Even my friends who are lawyers admit that Judge Mathis has a way of just cutting to the root of a problem--that's an admirable quality in any judge.

Anyway, the one person Lisa never seems to be able to dodge is Eleanor Holmes Norton. Face to face she isn't that bad, but on the phone she's like a bulldog until she gets through. Now don't get me wrong, she's a very impressive woman, but she's not even really a representative. She's a House Member the way that Angie Dickenson was in the Rat Pack. I mean maybe technically she is, but she can't even vote. Pete Sessions gives her a hard time about it. It really cracks me up, but I think it frosts her bottom to not have an actual vote.

Anyway, she calls right in the middle of Judge Mathis and Lisa caves in and puts her through. We won the House Pictionary Tournament last year so she feels like she has an in with me and I don't dislike her or anything, but I'm trying to watch Mathis on mute with the captions scrolling and she's talking to me on the phone. For all I know I just agreed to support giving her voting rights. That woman is tenacious.

I'm Missing W.

I know that outside of my own district, this may be unpopular to say, but I'm missing President Bush. I met him only a handful of times, but I remember him as a very warm and gracious host. He used to call me "Cappy" because when he first met me we were at a fundraiser that was about 100 degrees in the shade and I had on this blue golf cap to protect me from the sun. For some reason he picked up on it. Whenever I'd see him, he'd be like "Where's your cap, Cappy?" We'd both crack up and then he'd give me the thumbs up sign. I don't think Obama even knows my name.

I was never really a fan of Dick Cheney. Sure, I agreed with him on policy, but as a freshman congressman Bush put him in charge of hazing us. I remember one pool party at Karl Rove's where it really got out of hand after they made myself and Butch Otter doing Jaeger Bombs. The combination of the heat and the drinking really was getting to us and then they made us push a peanut across the floor with our noses. I used to hate having to carry a copy of the Constitution around with me at all times, but you never knew when he'd call on you to recite a part and you'd have to give it to him or one of the senior representatives to check us. As much as being a freshman was tough, I learned a lot about good government.

Representative Kimble Honors Retired Rodeo Clown Larry "Bobo" Baker

It was an honor for me to meet rodeo great Larry "Bobo" Baker. Despite standing barely five feet tall, Larry was the kind of rodeo clown that larger men could only dream of being. At a ceremony at Yuchu Courthouse, Larry was presented a plague with the proclamation that I passed in the House of Representatives declaring April 7th as Larry "Bobo" Baker Day. It just goes to show you that it isn't the height of the clown, its the heart of the clown that's important.

Representative Kimble Attends Pinecrest Baptist Prayer Breakfast

If there is one thing that my district has plenty of, it would have to be devout senior citizens. Their simple faith as they get ready to pass on to the next world is really something inspiring. I don't know anybody else who would willingly get up early on a Tuesday morning in order to sit in church and then eat eggs and other foods that have been refreshingly freed from spice and flavor. The truth be told, this obligation somehow escaped my mind until I was lucky enough to receive several wake up calls from my Chief of Staff Lisa.

As a Representative, I find myself in a more difficult spot than say a Senator because I always have to be running for my next election. A Senator wouldn't be as concerned about senior citizens because he could be reasonably sure that within 6 years a lot of them will have died off. Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury with my next election less than 2 years away. Have you donated to my campaign yet? I don't know if God concerns himself with our little elections down here on Earth, but it just feels good to pray against Obama.

What's a Few Billion Dollars Between Friends?

My buddy Paul Ryan (R-WI) is a bit of a nerd. While the rest of us were playing cards over at Jim Jodan's (R-OH) place, Paul is like cranking out this thing. He keeps calling in from the kitchen and asking us, "do we want to cut this or do we want to cut that?" I'm drawing an inside straight and Bill Cassidy (R-LA) is already mouthing off about the way I play cards. You don't backtalk a Baton Rouge gambler either cause he'll stick you.

Anyway, the game is going great and all of a sudden Paul's like, "I finished the whole damn thing. This is like the most killer budget ever."

At first we were all, "Shut up Ryan! We're trying to play cards", but I have to admit I'm really proud that we produced this budget. Not only does it include some nice tax cuts like the kind that had guided us to prosperity over the past 8 years before you know who became the President, but if you look at that chart, we are so kicking his budget's ass in 2035. That's the best thing about being home for these couple weeks. If I was in Washington, I'd have a staffer telling me I can't type the word "ass".

Anyway, the White House was not happy when we put out our own budget. They were like telling us that making a budget was really complicated and we'd never figure it out, but we showed them. That's how we kick it GOP style.

Why We're Not in Session

This is like Spring Break for us. For the next two weeks we're in what's called Spring District Work Period. It might just be me, but the meetings seem to drag on forever lately. Some of these representatives need to lighten up. I guess the main thing we do to kill time is to flirt with the female representatives.

I used to be lucky to have an office right be Vito Fossella and he was always good for a joke or to let me know how the ladies of congress were dressed on that particular day. Hottest congresswomen. That's debatable. Everybody has their favorites. Even though I'm a Republican I wouldn't mind a joint session with Stephanie Herseth Sandlin if you know what I mean. Of course Michelle Bachman has amazing legs. C-Span does not do them justice. I'm going with Marsha Blackburn of Tennessee though. That accent just melts your heart.

Representative Kimble Breaks Ground on G.I. to Greeter Center

I have to give a lot of credit to the good folks of my district, especially in Greenview. While a lot of people love to whine and complain about the high cost of medical care for seniors and the way the stock market collapse hurt a lot of people on fixed incomes, the people of Greenview have done something about it. Using stimulus funds, that I helped push hard to get for us, the volunteers at the Greenview Senior Center invited me to help break ground today on the new GIs to Greeters Center. The program is designed to give retired veterans the training necessary to become Walmart Greeters. Best of all, the program is not limited to veterans.

The idea is the brainchild of Roger Wainwright who was decorated for his service in Korea and was interested in a job at the local Walmart, but lacked any experience. Roger and his wife Betty were gracious hosts and for a man of his age, Roger can still swing quite a shovel.

Welcome Voters and Concerned Citizens

Since first being elected to the House in 2006, people from inside and outside my district alike have been telling me to make a presence on the internets. Like many of my conservative colleagues I was was weary of such foolishness. Then I met a man named Nate Peele who wanted to conduct an interview with me for his blog. I decided that this was exactly the kind of outreach that I needed to reach out to young voters in my district. Technology isn't always easy for a chicken farmer like me to figure out, but I hope this will be the beginning of something big.

For those of you who don't know me, I am the former CEO of Kimble Farms. If you haven't had one of our chickens in the yellow and blue packages you have probably been served a Kimble bird at one of the many fine restaurants who buy from us. We also sell beaks, slurry, and assorted waste products for industrial uses or to be used in chicken nuggets.

I am proud to say that my father built Kimble Farms from a small chicken shack to a multinational conglomerate through hard work. This is the same hard work that all Americans are called to today. I am living proof that the free enterprise system capitalist system works best for everybody from myself down to the migrant workers on my farms.

I have made education a priority. I am dismayed at the filfth that young children are seeing today. Gay marriage, socialism, evolution, foreign language study, and religious diversity are not the values that I was raised on and they are not the values that will see America into the next century. If we want to succeed we must do what we have always done best in this country and that is be Americans.